Redeemed Woman

There was an older lady who shared with me the troubles during her earlier years of marriage. Though her husband is treating her much better now (as he has matured in the Lord), she still has so much hurt in her heart from the past physical and emotional abuse. “I feel like a wall that he hammered all these nails through. Even if he pulls the nails out now, the holes are still there in the wall.”

How do we forgive and get past the hurt? Many women, including myself, are in our marriages with hurts in our hearts. When our memories are triggered, overwhelming emotions of hurt resurface. Unforgiveness and bitterness destroy not only our marriages, but hinder our relationships with God Himself (Hebrews 12:14-15). We are going to take a closer look at the verse in Colossians below to understand how we can forgive and get past the hurts in our marriages. The broader context of this verse is instructing the people of God’s Church, but it can be applied to the marriage as this is the most intimate relationship one can have while living on this earth.

“…bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Colossians 3:13 (ESV)

“As the Lord has forgiven you…”

Have you reflected lately on God’s forgiveness for you? The illustration of the nails on the wall brings back to my memory someone who was left with holes in His body, our Lord Jesus Christ (John 20:25-27). The nails that held Him on that rugged cross while He suffered and died in our place left holes in His hands and feet. Blood and water flowed out of the flesh wound from the spear that pierced his side (John 19:34). Forgiveness of sin is free for us because Jesus, our Redeemer, paid the heavy price with His life (Romans 3:23-25; Romans 6:23). God did not simply just erase our sins or forget about them; He sent His Son to bear the just punishment of those sins. As a result, His holy wrath was satisfied, and we were declared justified before a Holy God. (1 John 1:8-10) This is where forgiveness starts.

Here are my reflections on my own forgiveness for my husband:

1. A deep understanding of my own sinfulness against a holy God left me completely humbled at the realization of having received such great grace and mercy from Him (John 1:14-16). If the supremely holy God can forgive me of my sins, surely I can forgive a fellow sinner such as my husband.

Forgiving others is not easy, but made easier when we understand God’s forgiveness towards us (Matthew 6:15; Matthew 18:21-35; Mark 11:25; Luke 17:4).

2. God didn’t forgive us because we earned it. He didn’t pay the high price for forgiveness because we were just so forgivable or valuable (as some preachers teach). He forgives us simply because He so loves us. “For God so loved the world…(John 3:16)”

In this same way, the forgiveness that I give should be from a sincere love and not dependent on my husband’s merits. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

3. I confess that many times I held onto the hurt because I felt as though I needed justice for the wrong against me. I wanted my husband to know how much he had hurt me and, in a selfish way, wanted him to feel the suffering that I was feeling. But in the end, I only compounded my hurt, entertained evil thoughts, and pushed my husband even further away. When I allowed my mind to dwell on these hurtful emotions, I forfeited my joy in the Lord and crippled my Christian witness in my home which was exactly what Satan wanted (2 Corinthians 2:5-11).

We are not to belittle the hurts or deny them, but lay them at the feet of Jesus who took upon Himself all the sorrows caused by sin (Isaiah 53:4-5). We do this by filling our minds with His Gospel Truth. Sin is a real thing that causes real hurts, but Jesus died a real death to provide real healing for our hearts and souls. Cast our hurts at His feet in prayer; do not dwell on the hurts of the past (Philippians 4:8).

4. Jesus endured the cross for the joy that was set before Him – the reconciliation of sinners back to God (Hebrews 12:2). This love relationship is God’s desire. Christians have a stronger love for Jesus as we grow in knowledge of His love for us (Romans 5:6-11). God doesn’t force us to love Him. But, we love because He first loved us (1 John 4:9-10; 1 John 4:19).

In the same way, the joy of forgiving our husbands is that our relationships can be restored and love made stronger. We are willing to suffer the hurt, endure the wrongs for the joy of marriage.

Conclusion

“…bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Colossians 3:13 (ESV)

As Christians, we are instructed to forgive others just as the Lord has forgiven us. This is how we must forgive. I realize that some offenses are bigger than others. There are marriages that need thorough counseling and intercessory prayer for healing; reach out to your spiritual leaders for help. There are husbands who are sorry but unrepentant; persevere in prayer for them (see this post). Ultimately, their sins are sins against God (Luke 15:21), and God will hold them accountable. Nevertheless, we must forgive. We forgive them in view of God’s mercy towards us, in obedience to God, in the power of His Holy Spirit, and to His glory.

Sisters, let us fix our minds on Jesus, the healer of our souls, by filling our minds with His Truth. May the Lord increase our faith to forgive as He has forgiven us! Lord, help us and teach us to lay our broken hearts at Your feet. Lord, help us to resist the devil who wants to steal our joys and witness. Open our eyes to Your ways, O God, and lift our burdens!