Redeemed Woman

“…You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Matthew 22:39b (ESV)

The secular just-love-yourself-to-happiness delusion has found its way into evangelical teaching for Christian women. The Christianized version of self-love is that we can better love others when we learn to love ourselves. Many preachers teaching this self-love doctrine reference Matthew 22:39 and play “twister” with its meaning. Spewing out their own diagnosis, they teach, “You are unable to love others well because you do not first love yourself.” And then they go off on their tangents of all the ways we can love ourselves more (in Jesus’ Name, of course). At first glance, it may sound logical and appealing. However, when tested by God’s Word, this teaching of self-love is unbiblical and demonic (1 Timothy 4:1)!

There are no Bible verses that instructs us to love ourselves. In fact, there are many Bible verses instructing us otherwise (John 15:13; 1 Corinthians 10:24; 1 Corinthians 13:4-5; Philippians 2:3-4; 2 Timothy 3:1-2, 5). Here are reasons why you need to reject this teaching of self-love which has poisoned the thinking of so many Christian sisters.

Reason #1: God knows our selfish hearts.

Jesus was quoting from Leviticus 19:18 in Matthew 22:39. This is how we can trace back to find the intended meaning behind “love your neighbor as yourself”. In context, God is telling His people to stop being so selfish and think of others (Leviticus 19:9-10); to stop mistreating others with stealing, falsehood, and cursing (Leviticus 19:11-14); to stop treating others unjustly (Leviticus 19:15-16); and, to not hate others (Leviticus 19:17-18). In laying out exactly how they are to treat others, God is revealing to the people plainly about the selfish condition of their hearts. In other words, there is no need for them to love themselves first because they already do.

Jesus paraphrased Matthew 22:39 in Luke 6:31, “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” This gives us clear indication that God never meant Matthew 22:39 to have some hidden wisdom for us to first love ourselves in order to truly love others. That is a twisting of God’s Word.

Today, our hearts are in the same self-centered condition. We are absorbed in and obsessed with ourselves. Why do you get angry when someone cuts you off in traffic? Why do you “hate” yourself when you fail at something? Why do you get depressed when life is less than what you expected? It is because you love yourself. You want the best for yourself. If you didn’t love yourself so much, there would be no reason to be mad at that person who cut you off in traffic, hate yourself when you’ve failed, or get depressed over your life.

Reason #2: The lord our god is the reason we love others.

Contrary to the self-love teaching where my love for others depends on my love for myself, true love is rooted in the LORD our God. Going back to Leviticus 19, one repeating phrase throughout the whole chapter as God is giving out His commandments for loving people is God reminding them, “I am the LORD your God”. In context, the instruction for one to love her neighbor is reinforced by God saying in Leviticus 19:37, “And you shall observe all my statutes and all my rules, and do them: I am the Lord.” In other words, we love others because the LORD is our God, and we obey Him. When we buy into the lie that we must love ourselves in order to love others, we miss the mark of true Christian love (1 John 4:19).

Reason #3: The doctrine of self-love distorts the gospel of jesus.

Joyce Meyer, who needs no introduction, says, “If you don’t love yourself and value yourself, there is nothing else in your life that’s going to be enjoyable or in the right order.” (See video) She also said, “You need to love yourself because you cannot give away what you do not have. And so, God loves us freely and unconditionally and receiving that is the equivalent of learning to love yourself. I mean, if God can love me, who’s perfect, then I can love me…I would go to the mirror and point at myself and say ‘God loves you. God loves you.’ And, because I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t love people. I kept hearing as a Christian I needed to love people. And I just was not a very loving person. I mean, I just wasn’t.” (See video at 4:00 mark)

There is no way to reconcile this teaching to the doctrines of the Gospel. Self-love denies the Gospel in the following ways:

• Not loving others is more than a character flaw; it is sin against God (Matthew 22:39-40; John 13:34; John 15:12; Romans 12:9-10; Romans 13:8-10). We don’t love others because we are sinful in nature. We can try as hard as we can to love others, but it will ultimately still be about ourselves. Let me explain it this way: I love others so I can feel good about myself. I love others so they will love me in return. I love others because I want myself to be validated. I love others so they will see and praise my piety. In the end of all my loving, I am still focused on myself which is idolatry. We need to repent of this sin and put our trust in Jesus’ work on the Cross for our redemption.
• Our wills are bound to the sinful nature. Jesus sets us free from the dominion of sin and death, and places us in His kingdom (Romans 8:2; Colossians 1:13-14). It is for freedom that Christ sets us free to live and love as God has commanded (Romans 6:14; Galatians 5:1, 13-14). This means that loving others is no longer an obligation but a joy.
• God loves us not because of our goodness or worthiness or greatness (Ephesians 2:1-9). God loves us despite of us as we all fall short of His glory (Romans 3:23). We are not good enough. We are not worthy. We are not lovable. But God loves us because He is love (1 John 4:8).
• Love is not the acceptance of our sins. (Or using the verbiage of the self-love doctrine, love is not the acceptance of our character flaws.) God did not accept those sins; He paid for them. We know love by the mercies found in the forgiveness of those sins through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus (John 15:13; 1 John 3:16).
• Receiving God’s free and unconditional love is NOT the equivalent of learning to love yourself. Receiving God’s free and unconditional love is the equivalent of denying yourself and picking up your cross to follow Him (Luke 9:23-24; Romans 6:22-23). For those who do not give their allegiance to Christ, God’s love is very conditional (Psalm 5:4-6; Matthew 10:33; John 3:16-18; John 3:36).
• Love is part of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). This means that there is a spiritual quickening in us as the Holy Spirit does His sanctifying work in us (Romans 5:5; Philippians 2:13). As we grow in sanctification (a very spiritual experience), we obediently love others more and more. Therefore, learning to love ourselves is not how we grow in our love for others.

conclusion

The self-love teaching directly contradicts Christian Gospel teaching because it ultimately causes our eyes to be fixed on ourselves rather than on Jesus. Instead of loving others as Christ loves us, our love is defined by self-love. Instead of seeking love and contentment in Jesus, we seek it in ourselves. Instead of repenting of our sins and trusting in Jesus and surrendering to the workings of the Holy Spirit, we work hard to kill our consciences and deny the Holy Spirit’s convictions of sin. We then redefine those sins as mere character flaws that we will work on through self-help strategies. This is a work-based, man-centered delusion that will put us in the cycle of failure to love as we grow more and more self-absorbed. This is exactly what the devil wants, and he has schemed many Christian women with this teaching (Ephesians 6:11-12).

What do we say then to our depressed sister who feels hate towards herself? Or, to the resentful mom who empties herself endlessly but joylessly? Or the unhappy wife who constantly denies herself for the sake of her husband? Or the sister who is contemplating suicide because her suffering is just too great? We can start by asking her “why” and point her to the Gospel from there. But telling her that she needs to learn to love herself is not going to save her. My Christian sister, I pray I’ve convinced you of that.

Our Father and God, Jesus has revealed the Gospel Truth that will set us free. Help Your daughters now to stand firm in it against the schemes of the devil. May we find our greatest satisfaction and joy in Your steadfast love. Fill us with the love of God, overflowing to those around us. Open our eyes to Your ways and lift our burdens!